


Hope

by Sandylee007



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Real World, Angst, Child Death, Depression, Drama, Emotional Hurt, Family, Grief/Mourning, Loss, M/M, Strained Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-10 05:33:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19900630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandylee007/pseuds/Sandylee007
Summary: REAL LIFE AUBaby Hope was born on the coldest night of winter with a broken heart – and her death broke the hearts of the two men who loved her.Alec and Magnus suffer a terrible, devastating loss. One that changes them and their lives permanently. Years later they meet at a graveyard.DEATH OF A CHILD CHARACTER





	Hope

**Author's Note:**

> I was supposed to write something else. But this just wouldn’t let me go, so... (shrugs helplessly)
> 
> DISCLAIMER: Nooope, I own nothing. Seeing my bank account’s status is believing. Just borrowing the boys for a bit.
> 
> WARNINGS: DEATH OF A CHILD CHARACTER, feels (lots of them), angst to the max... Uh... Anyone still out there...? (chuckles nervously)
> 
> Awkay... Are you guys ready? Because here we go! I really hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

Baby Hope was born on the coldest night of winter with a broken heart. There was no telling who her biological father was. And it was more likely than not that even if they did know he wouldn’t have wanted anything to do with her. Especially with her special needs. Her biological mother... She was a homeless addict, only nineteen. Flawed in many ways, damaged by a short but cruel life. Yet she loved her daughter from the moment she found out that the little one existed. She got clean, and it was the hardest thing she’d ever done in her life. Unfortunately it was too little, too late. Her past left its marks, on both her child and her. She breathed her last, labored breath while her daughter struggled mightily to inhale her first, labored ones. She never got the chance to hold the child she’d already loved more than anything. And despite their best efforts the hospital staff never found out her name. No one came for the troubled mother who lost her life far too young. (Eventually she was buried to a nameless grave.) No one wanted the terribly ill baby who was all alone in the world and likely wouldn’t live a long life.

Until a pediatrician in training, Alec Lightwood-Bane, heard about the child from a colleague. The moment his eyes met her big, surreally blue ones, he knew that he couldn’t take her as his patient. Instead he introduced her to his husband Magnus. On the most beautiful day of spring they took her to their apartment, and into their lives. It was the most terrifying thing the new parents had ever experienced. Because from the very first day they felt like she was only on loan in this world.

In the end that loan lasted for three and a half years.

Hope’s health had its ups and downs, but she lived up to her name and made it through. Alec and Magnus bonded with her, and the three of them became a family. Over time they forgot to be cautious. Forgot how temporary happiness tends to be. Which was why when Hope had a heart-attack on an infuriatingly bright summer day, after almost a year of being mostly healthy, they were caught off guard. Her doctor was cautiously optimistic that she might survive this hurdle, too. Instead she died in Magnus’ arms, with the dancer singing her a one last lullaby, his voice breaking several times. Alec rushed into the room five minutes after she breathed out for the final time.

Hope Lightwood-Bane was born with a broken heart – and her death broke the hearts of the two men who loved her.

/

Another three and a half years later found Alec walking towards Hope’s grave. Snow crunched loudly under his footsteps. Which made the silence deafening when he froze. Apparently he wasn’t her only visitor.

Magnus stood in front of the grave, eyes fixed on the candle the dancer had likely brought. There were countless of others keeping it company. During her brief stay on Earth Hope charmed an army of aunts and uncles. And even some grandparents. The smaller man’s words were just loud enough to carry to the doctor’s ears. “... Birthday, sweetheart.”

Alec wasn’t sure what to do. He’d been hesitant to come in the first place. Magnus’ presence made it even harder to stay. He’d already taken a step backwards when the older man peered over his shoulder, sensing his stare. An elegant eyebrow rose at the sight of him. “Alec? I... didn’t expect to see you.”

Alec couldn’t exactly blame the other for the disbelief. This was the first time he visited her grave since the funeral. The first time he saw the tombstone. (Or would see, once he’d find the courage to look at it.) It had hurt too much to come sooner. Being ‘Alec’ instead of the familiar, soft ‘Alexander’ stung as much. “I, ah...” He swallowed thickly, wondering what one was supposed to say in such a situation. “I can... go, and come back later, if...”

Magnus shook his head. “I was just about to leave, anyway. And... She was yours, too. You deserve to be there.” There was no anger, bitterness or accusation behind those words, no matter how meticulously the younger man sought. They were both sick and tired of such emotions.

Alec took some time to observe Magnus. They hadn’t seen each other since the dancer left the apartment they once shared for the last time, a few days after they signed certain papers. Since then Magnus had lost weight and his clothes, while still stylish, hung on him a little. Despite makeup the man also seemed pale and traces of sleepless nights were clearly visible. Alec wondered if he was as marked by the loss they shared and that tore them apart. Magnus stared at him in return, perhaps wondering the exact same thing.

After all the yelling, talking and therapy sessions... It was unnerving how quiet things were between them. Magnus wiped his eyes, smudging his already makeup-stained face further. Then moved to leave, pointedly not looking towards him. There was no reason to make an already horrible day even worse.

Only... Alec wasn’t ready to let Magnus walk away again. On the spur of the moment he grabbed the man’s hand and regretted it instantly. Because even through a glove he could feel that the wedding ring he once slipped into place wasn’t there anymore. (Hadn’t been for almost a full year, now.) “For whatever it’s still worth... I’m sorry.” Those were words that should’ve been uttered a long time ago, when they would’ve made a difference. But he needed to say them now.

Magnus squeezed his hand, briefly. Then reality set in and the hold broke entirely, leaving them both feeling cold. “I’m sorry, too. We both said things and reacted to... the loss in ways we can’t be proud of.”

Well. Alec couldn’t argue that. He finally faced the tombstone. It was beautiful. Of course it was, Magnus picked it. “Do you think she’s proud of us now?” He’d been recently promoted and was now a Chief of Pediatrics. Based on newspaper headlines, Magnus was more famous than ever before, dancing on stages all over the world. They’d both achieved their greatest dreams.

Magnus sighed. Sounding so tired and sad that it tore at something inside him viciously. “I hope so.”

“Are you happy?” Alec asked, although they were comically lot like two ghosts in the graveyard-setting. He would’ve inquired if Magnus missed him. But it would’ve been cruelty when he knew the answer. They lost each other with Hope, because they missed her so much that eventually they couldn’t look at each other without remembering her. That loss hurt nearly as much as an actual death.

It took a while before Magnus answered. Perhaps because of surprise, perhaps because of reluctance. “I’m trying to be. You?”

Alec gulped. A lump sat in his throat and his hand tingled from desire to grab Magnus’ once more. “I’m trying, too.”

Snow crunched as Magnus walked away. As uncomfortably loudly as it did earlier. “Take care of yourself.” _I love you._

Alec swallowed and wondered if the bitter taste in his mouth would ever go away. And when he forgot what his ex-husband tasted like. “You, too.” _I love you, too._

And then, like a bittersweet dream, Magnus was gone. With unsteady legs Alec made his way to the grave. Once he’d knelt, he tried to light a candle of his own. Only to discover that he didn’t manage the simple task.

Right there, without any forewarning, Alec burst into tears. He cried like he didn’t allow himself to on the day they buried Hope. Or when Magnus, tears of agony in his haunted eyes, managed to choke out that he couldn’t take what their marriage had turned into anymore. Or when he signed the divorce papers and gave up on a piece of his heart, of his soul.

It began to snow. Alec wondered if Hope was crying, too, somewhere up above. Where he couldn’t reach out to comfort her, to tell her that everything would be alright. The thought made him cry even harder.

/

Magnus didn’t cry. He felt numb as he half-sat, half-slumped to the backseat of a car. His was glad that his driver didn’t ask anything. During a drive to the airport he received several messages. Catarina asked if he was alright. Ragnor complained about a bad date, most likely to distract him. Raphael was far less discreet and asked him out so they could get hammered. Magnus couldn’t muster the will to answer any of them. He didn’t register much of the short flight to a city the name of which he wouldn’t remember later.

He came alive briefly when he prepared to hit the stage, though. Putting on heavy makeup and changing his clothes, he actually felt something for a few stolen moments. And when the spotlight hit him, he danced for Hope. Afterwards he thanked the visibly amazed audience for their standing ovation with a perfectly crafted fake-smile. And longed to feel numb instead of what took over his whole being.

As soon as Magnus made it to a hotel room, he chose two sleeping pills from a wide collection of bottles. After downing them with water, and craving with all his heart for something sharper, he searched through his wallet. From its most hidden corner he found a picture that’d visibly been handled a lot. It was of him and Alec with Hope, all of them grinning widely.

Magnus’ eyes stung but tears wouldn’t fall. Satisfied to feel numb once more, he crawled into bed. The photograph was held close to his heart.

/

Alec’s phone received several messages, too. He ignored them all until the constant noise got too annoying. He chose one message blindly, sent back something undeservedly rude and switched off the device. Hoping that whoever it was understood and would pass on the word that he wanted to be left alone.

Eventually, when he was feeling so cold that he’d nearly stopped trembling, Andrew Underhill came to pick him up. Neither talked much while they sauntered towards a car, the doctor leaning heavily against the other man. Andrew offered to spend the night. Alec declined with a simple shake of a head. Whatever it was that they were... Or tried to be... He wasn’t in the mood for dealing with that on such a horrible day. When he already felt so guilty for the child and husband he failed that he was nauseous.

Before crawling to bed alone Alec searched through a drawer. And pulled out his favorite photograph, of him, Magnus and Hope grinning widely. He lay down with the picture held close to his heart.

/

Far too late that night, when it was already almost the next morning, they finally fell asleep. Curled up in such a way that had they shared a bed, they would’ve fit into each other’s arms perfectly. Both men holding on to a picture that reminded of a time when they were happy.

Outside it continued to snow.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m contemplating whether I should expand to this one day. For now... Such a sad tale! They lost each other with their little girl. (whimpers) 
> 
> Sooo... Thoughts? Comments? Do you guys hate me...? (Or should I ask ‘How much’, LOL.) PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Comments are always among my days’ highlights.
> 
> In any case, thank you so much for reading! Who knows. Maybe I’ll see you around one day?
> 
> Take care!


End file.
